My diagnosis

Several weeks ago I saw my doctor for my annual physical. Thus far into middle age I have been blessed with generally good health, and for the past many years my exams have mostly resulted in routine lab follow-ups that haven't yielded any particular concerns.

This time was different, and I went to that appointment with a problem.

The Problem

I explained to my doctor that I had been experiencing:

• Brain fog
• Difficulty maintaining focus on certain types of tasks
• Lapses in attention during conversations
• Memory issues

Truthfully, some of these symptoms have been building for a couple years now, and it took a long time to work up the courage to even bring this up with my doctor.

Thinking back, I'm not sure why I found this so hard to speak about. I suppose that I kept feeling like these were all problems that I *should* be able to correct on my own: I just needed to try harder, or sleep more, eat better, or come up with a new system or hack to help me pay attention and to help me remember.

The strange thing is that, as a middle-aged person, I am young enough to not attach any particular stigma to mental health issues. I would estimate that the majority of my friends see a therapist with regularity, and most speak about it openly.

The Problem...Solved?

I left that appointment with an Adderall prescription. I wasn't exactly surprised. Many of my friends and family are neuro-atypical, and apparently like attracts like when it comes to this sort of thing.

Now, do I actually have ADHD? Or does my broken brain just need a little bit of assistance to cope with the realities of modern life?

I'm not sure yet.

Differences I've observed since starting medication:

• Reduced brain fog, increased ability to focus intensely - not dramatic, but observable (good)
• Increased ability to start and maintain long-term focus on a task (very good)
• Reduced need for external stimulus such as twitching, fidgeting with things, chewing gum constantly, listening to music while doing a task (neutral/good)
• Feeling thirsty more often (neutral/bad)
• Loss of appetite (more bad than good - anything more than slight weight loss would be bad)
• Less need or desire to sleep, more difficulty winding down in the evening (neutral/bad)
• Slightly elevated feelings of anxiety (bad, but hard to definitively attribute to the medication with everything else going on)

Will I continue with this meditation? Despite some downsides, I believe that it has been beneficial overall. We shall see see what my doctors things in our follow-up appointment.

Why I Wrote This

It felt important to take the opportunity to contribute to the normalization of open discussion around mental health issues and treatments.

I felt embarrassed to have these struggles, but I shouldn't have. Perhaps someone having similar issues may read this someday, and may leave with the motivation to seek treatment instead of struggling in silence. Reader, if you're out there: I wish you the best on your journey. You don't need to travel alone.

~nullish

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