I recently had an interesting conversation in an unexpected context.
I was at a work happy hour of sorts, attempting to mingle and chat in the best way that a slightly introverted person can manage. I found myself in a conversation with one of the higher-ups in my department. Nice guy, easy to talk to. Not someone I interact with every day, or even every week, but we had clearly built up some kind of a rapport nevertheless.
He shared a problem that he was having: making new friends as an adult. Indeed, this certainly can be a tricky one. I felt empathy for his experience, and verbally sympathized. This was clearly a "vent and listen" conversation. He wasn't really looking for advice.
Driving home, I kept thinking: "Is this something I struggle with? I don't think so, and I wonder why that is."
When I take inventory of the IRL friendships I've made and kept, I notice something interesting: the vast majority of my recent (say, in the past 10 years) close friends are women. Counting only my guy friends, my roster shortens considerably and leaves me with the same conclusion as my work colleague: adult friendships ARE hard.
So, for me at least: developing close friendships with other men is very hard. Developing close friendships with women is not as hard.
Reflecting further, I think there are a few things that contribute to this:
How do you develop intimacy in a friendship? By increasing vulnerability when it feels safe.
That's it. That's all you have to do.
But...sometimes this is not so easy. Even among men who I consider to be close friends, the idea of expressing _any_ vulnerability is a strange and infrequent thing. We just don't talk about our feelings with each other. What's happening inside just doesn't come up. Why? Is it a fear of judgment? Something about this must not feel safe. I haven't figured it out yet, but that intimacy sure is tough for me to develop.
Here's a counterexample: my current bestie is a woman who is twice a few years older than me. The vast majority of our friendship revolves around talking about how we feel. There is vulnerability on both sides, and the intimacy has developed. This isn't a unique example, either, and I think it's because of me: my hangups, or my lack of them. I feel safer being vulnerable with women than with other men. Because of that, I find that these friendships are easier to develop in a more meaningful way.
Is this actually a problem? It would be nice to have deeper friendships with other men. I seem to have the same issue as many others these days: I'm just not meeting the right guys. At the same time, I'm grateful for what I've got. Heck, being able to make any new friends at all later in life does feel like an "achievement unlocked" situation. I hear that this gets easier after retirement. Check back with me in 20 years, I'll let you know how it's going.
~nullish
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